Recent studies marrying kink and psychopathology have inspired headlines proclaiming that BDSM practitioners are generally “psychologically healthier” than the rest of the population. These claims came about by interviewing a group of self-identified doms, switches, and subs, utilizing the Big Five (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, neuroticism and agreeableness). But it’s worthwhile pointing out that “most of the apparent psychological benefits of being a practitioner applied to those in the dominant rather than the submissive role.” (“BDSM, Personality, and Mental Health“) So where does this leave us? Obviously statistics are only useful up to a point, and averages – though interesting – are rarely applicable to specific individuals.
Any foray into BDSM requires a good deal of trust between the players involved, especially with more extreme scenes. Putting your faith into someone else to exercise control – be it mental, physical, or both – over you should never be taken lightly, especially when one or more of the individuals in question has or had mental health problems. As someone who has been dealing with clinical depression (and related “daddy issues”) for as long as I can remember, I find that I often need to step back and think about my reasons for desiring to be slapped, flogged, or spanked. Do I simply feel lonely and am craving attention, exploiting my interests in BDSM to get it – if only for a little while? Or perhaps I’m in an extremely negative headspace and want to feel pain to replace those thoughts with a strong physical sensation? Whether a scene is therapeutic or furthers my melancholia is usually dependent on the who, rather than the what is involved.
The aftercare portion of a BDSM scene is a crucial aspect I previously underestimated the importance of. Sub drop is a very real risk. Defined as “the emotional and physical affects of the release and drop of endorphins in the body after a play session,” sub drop usually includes physical fatigue and aches, but can also involve depression following a scene (“The Emotional Side of Sub Drop“). Hence, the merit of aftercare. There are no set characteristics for aftercare; whether it’s physical affection (i.e. kissing, hair stroking), verbal expressions of gratitude, or sharing a snack, what matters is that both players’ mental, emotional, and physical energy are replenished. Personally, aftercare isn’t always necessary for me to feel fulfilled after playing; in fact, sometimes I prefer to be alone immediately after a scene’s conclusion to reflect. But it definitely can be a soothing way to come back down to Earth, particularly following intense scenes and during days of dejection. If you’re not sure what’s the best option for you (and/or your sub), pull a Goldilocks and experiment with different incarnations of aftercare until you find the one that’s just right!
Self-awareness will get you everywhere in life. And while BDSM can be eye-opening in regards to how you react to various scenarios and stimuli, it’s vital to be cognizant of your mental state and communicate that to your partner! Once everyone’s on the same perverse page, you might be surprised to find yourself feeling psychologically healthier due to the need to be emotionally aware and deliberate with your actions. Knowing yourself is the key!
– J