Check out Looking From The Outside In, Part 1.

If I were to recall when my best friend told me about her BDSM lifestyle, I would tell you that my bottom jaw dropped to the floor like you’d expect it to in a cartoon. As a vanilla, hearing my close friend say she enjoyed being whipped and tied for fun, let alone hearing that such a community even existed, put my brain on overload. Fast-forward a couple of months later – we talk about her kinky lifestyle without me batting an eye, and I’m actually excited that she is so passionate about her choices.

It can be difficult letting your family and friends know a side of you that you may have tried to keep in the dungeon. Even as an outsider looking in, I hope you find the courage to let your close ones in on your secret so you can finally be yourself around anyone. Yes, there’s a time and place to talk about being poked by needles and spanked by floggers, but there’s nothing more freeing than being able to talk openly about your life with those you love. If you are struggling with this, I hope these points of advice will help you gain the courage to make the move.

Express that it’s a passion

Let people know that just like they like to bond with their partners through sex and cuddling, you get that same connection with your partner through pain, dominance/submission, or whatever it is that you enjoy. Instead of giving them a simple explanation, try elaborating on your passion and feelings about your lifestyle. Seeing how excited and impassioned my friend is when she talks about BDSM reminds me to let go of all my judgment. Although this may not be immediate, those who truly love you will support whatever makes you happy.

Let them in on details slowly

Now that I’ve known about the BDSM community for a couple of years now, I understand that my friend only let me in on the basics when she broke the news to me – which I am grateful for. I was already initially overwhelmed with what she was telling me (kinky things turn me on, I like being submissive, etc.), so not giving me all the details (I like my nipples clamped, I work in a dungeon, I had a three-some with a couple while getting electrocuted…) was a wise decision on her part. Looking back, I appreciate slowly learning about the kinky community through our conversations over the following months, and I believe this is what allowed me to accept my friend’s decisions without judgment.

Talk about consent and safety

I think one of the biggest concerns that outsiders will have is, “Is that even safe?! Doesn’t that hurt? How does your partner know when you’ve had enough?” These are all reasonable concerns, which is why emphasizing consent and safety during your first conversation with your loved ones is a must. Explain the use of safety words and the bonding/discussions/agreements you have with your partner. Let them know that you and your partner communicate about what works for both of you and that you have soft and hard limits.

Agree to disagree

As wonderful as it would be, not everyone is going to be accepting and supportive of your decisions. Just like people have different opinions about other matters, your loved ones may still have trouble grasping what it is or why you are into what you’re into. Try to respect that not everyone will understand, but support your vanilla friends’ feelings as much as you’d like them to support your own kinky ones!

With these four things in mind, letting your family and friends know about your lifestyle may be easier for those receiving the news. I think there will always be some initial shock for those who are oblivious to this community, but being patient and understanding on both ends will lead to a happy ending. Feel free to contact us with any questions or if you need additional advice! Best of luck 🙂