When I first sought out the world of BDSM, I thought of myself more as a submissive than a masochist. I generally still feel this way, although my relationship with pain (and submission, for that matter) has changed enormously since my journey first began.

My first experience with pain for sexual gratification was within a Dom/sub dynamic, mostly through experimenting with various kinds of impact play. I found that although I never achieved sexual arousal from the sensation of pain alone, I greatly enjoyed that it turned my sadistic partner on to hurt me. This is my favorite way to experience sexual pain —in a perverse, positive feedback loop at the hands of a sadist, where inflicting suffering on me turns him on, and knowing he’s turned on turns me on and makes me want to suffer more for him.

I know several people who identify primarily as masochists who really can get turned on, and even orgasm, from pain alone—whether it’s a heavy paddling, a strict caning, or a set of clover clamps being ripped off their nipples. I envy them. I also cringe for them.

While I can’t orgasm from pain alone, I do find satisfaction from it in other ways. Some types of pain can be incorporated seamlessly into sexual situations, while others I think of as being more focused on the release of endorphins, or a sense of trust and bonding between partners. It takes a lot of trust to hand your Top an implement and say, “Please use this on me,” and just as much trust on the Top’s part to be assured that their bottom will be able and willing to communicate with them during the scene.

I tend to enjoy sensation play in general, and certain sensations which might be regarded as painful are often an extension of that. Scratching, biting, hair-pulling, or being thrown around, grabbed and manhandled are some of my favorite types of erotic pain. If I’m more interested in a scene based on pain without necessarily having a sexual element, I tend to gravitate to spanking, flogging, or caning. All of those things, applied with skill, will give me the endorphin rush that takes me into subspace.

The endorphin rush associated with pain-based subspace is often compared to a runner’s high, and that’s the most analogous comparison I’ve experienced. (Incidentally, it might come as no surprise that I love running as well.)

Rope bondage can also get me to that place, although I feel it needs to be spoken about separately since it’s such a different type of experience. Unlike other types of play, rope provides continuous sensation wherever it is placed on the body. A skilled rope top will orchestrate a bondage scene knowing exactly how and when to provide pleasure or pain (or both at once) through their rope.

Seeking out and finding the endorphin high of pain-play so many times has made me learn a lot about myself, psychologically and physically. I enjoy pushing myself, testing my own limits and endurance; probing, prodding, stretching, and strengthening them into what I hope is a better, more self-aware version of myself. Besides this, there is no feeling so gratifying as making it through a truly intense, challenging scene and being told by my Top that they’re proud of me—that I did a good job.