The Story of J: Training Session Contemplation

Well, it happened. I have the ruler marks on my ass to prove it. It’s now more than a week later, and I’m still not completely sure how I feel about my training session. I wish I had a conclusive epiphany to report, but no such luck.

I had more instruments used on me in those two hours than I have experienced in the 3 or so years that I’ve been experimenting with BDSM. It was such a rapid succession of new sensations that I wasn’t able to fully qualify each. The electro play elements weren’t always pleasurable exactly, but the sensations were overwhelming and unlike anything else I have tried. I also now have more of a sense of which impact tools I like – the “thwack” versus the “sting” – and found that I get very turned on by being restrained. Hopefully next time there will even be a cage to try out (and a saucer of milk to drink from, hint hint)!

One thing that has become abundantly clear, however, is that I don’t think role-play is for me. Whenever I had to be “in character,” I felt decidedly uncomfortable and, perhaps more importantly, not turned on. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I’m not particularly fond of talking much during a scene; I like being told what to do, but I’m not crazy about superfluous dialogue. Can a pro sub get away with not engaging in role play? I’m told I can, but I don’t see how, considering how often fantasies involve embodying different characters. Maybe it’ll grow on me?

Prior to the session, I had set a “no butt play” rule, but about a third of the way in, I felt something about a third of the way in to my butt. I could have stopped its entry at any point, but I decided to go with it and ended up being glad that I did; however, I needed to remind myself that I did have the ability to refuse based on my comfort level and that I shouldn’t fear disappointing the client.

Even though the nerves I experienced weren’t debilitating, I did feel a consistent disconnect between my partner and me. I was expecting this to be the case, but actually going through the session and feeling it was quite another thing altogether. I don’t know if this would vary on a person-to-person basis for me, or whether it’s simply par for the course. I will say that shortly after this session, I had a “play date” with a friend-with-benefits type, and I felt tremendous differences between the two scenes. When I played with my partner of choice, I felt much more “present” and my mind wasn’t as tiresomely thinking and doubting. The playing was more natural, less forced, and I didn’t feel as though I had to be anyone other than myself (or “slut,” as I was being called). Is this just because it was my first time? Perhaps the key is in building up a relationship with the same partner over time, but then again, I don’t have much control over who wants to see me and how often. So many questions still remain!

I have always respected sex workers for what they do, but I wasn’t sure that I had the chops for it. I’ve never been considered especially personable, and my desire to please doesn’t seem as strong as many others in the profession. Also, it wasn’t until I contemplated this training session that I realized I might be much more romantic about all this stuff than I thought I was.

So, I’m left with all these questions, and only a few answers. I can only further explore, and hope that I’ll learn more about myself and how I feel BDSM best fits into my life. I’m no lifestyler, but I’m unsure about my preferences beyond the fact that I have no desire for any sort of 24/7 arrangement. There’s still plenty left to discover. I’ll keep you posted.

– J

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