As with any BDSM advocate and provider, I like to think I always practice and support SSC play (safe, sane and consensual). The reality is I made a mistake last week. While under my watch, I let a friend be violated. While it may not be enough to scream bloody rape, any small lapse in SSC play can cause a resounding echo of pain through the soul. And I watched it happen and did nothing.
Shame? Check. Horror? Check? Confusion? Check, check! How did I – a self professed SSC advocate, someone who has spoken on panels about the topic of consent, a shoulder to cry on for friends who have had horrible experiences – let this happen? What happened in my head that resulted in this severe lapse of judgement?
The last thing I remember before the unfortunate event is thinking “Oh maybe she’ll like having her limits pushed, and it seems that she’s enjoying her partner.” Great, exactly what a rapist would think. I’m no better than a rapist. Breaking it down even further, I remember a brief thought that flew through my mind, a sort of motto that’s been ingrained in my work and session ethic since the beginning tough days of doing what I had to, to survive – don’t disappoint the client, give the client what he wants (with a few exceptions, of course), deal with the rest later. This partner especially triggered this motto hard – he’s someone I met in those early times of angst, self-exploration and desperation. The residual need to please and push myself (and my friend by proxy) overwhelmed me, and I lost my sanity. But that’s no excuse. I can deal with any amount of crap with a smile on my face, then clean up the mess after, literally and emotionally – the consummate professional, but I can’t ask others to. I’ve let my survival instincts morph into something sinister, something that I’m ashamed of.
Instead of disappointing the client, I disappointed my friend…and myself. The clean up job on this is much harder. For that, I send my deepest and darkest apologies, and I humbly beg for her forgiveness. I can’t reverse time, but I can make better in the future. To my friend, I give one of the biggest “Sorry”s I’ve ever spoken and regrets I’ve ever contemplated.